We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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