Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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