my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
