Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
