New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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