At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
