First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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