i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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