Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How naked do you want me to be?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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