Im at strip club and am horny
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
