it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
