I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
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Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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