I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
