He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
