I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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