I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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