I puked a lego.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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