I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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