Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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