I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
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