if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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