someone threw a dead crab at me
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
