Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
