if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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