i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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