Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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