haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
