Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
