I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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