xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
