I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
