I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
