The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I want to be your penis for a week.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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