new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
