Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
