i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
