just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
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Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
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we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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