so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize
