Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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