i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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