the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
