It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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