There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
