I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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