i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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