hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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