NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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