can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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