tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
