i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
