If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
