ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
