how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
