You're my little dorito
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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