u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
