what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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