Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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