Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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